Whelp

this makes me so happy

Today I learned why Friends with benefits doesn’t work.

Today I learned why Friends with benefits doesn’t work. Ive had this arrangement of before but i’ve never been the one to Develop feelings for the other guy, they usually do and im forced to be the douche that ends it. Out of respect for the other guy Ive always let them down easily. Ive never thought that the arrangement was flawed. I always just thought that the other guy was stupid. Well that Today, I became that shmuck.

Side note:

Since I was 15 ive had 3 major girlfriends and 1 boyfriend and 2 flings with guys that fizzled out really quick. Ive always known that I liked both boys and girls. I like them physically and emotionally. Ive only had one boyfriend cause Im picky and the 2 fizzlers turned out to be boring. The 3 girls all made since but the last one kinda broke my spirits of dating for a while but I got over it. Also, im not out and after the last girl the next person i felt a connection with was my first boyfriend. And he turned out to be a bigger closet case then me. Honestly, He was engaged to a women when we happened. He was my best friend in the entire world. and he still is. One night, we just happened and continued to happen for months. I feel in love with him and he loved me. Then he broke it off. He’s now married and having a kid in like a month. He was my first boy, physically and emotionally. After that I just kinda shut down. Went celibate for a while then transferred from community college and went on a rampage. Ive had 3 friends with benefits cause they were hot and yea. Never wanted more from them other then sex.

Until the third guy. Ive been sleeping with him since spring break. He’s probably the hottest guy that I’ve ever had. Tall slender, red head (auburn ish) and yes I have a thing for gingers (that a problem? fuck off). We didnt just fuck, we cuddled after. He held me and for once i liked it. It was weird but i never thought much of it. We both agreed that we were just fooling around. I told him that I was fucked up from past relationships and I probably would never be able to move past friends. We did the friends part of our arrangement really well. He was a cool guy. Picked me up when I was drunk, helped me study, laughed with me when funny stuff happened during sex. Then right when the semester was ending we figured out we would both be here for the entire summer. Him working and me taking art studios. I made jokes about I wouldn’t need to find a fuck buddy for the summer and said unless he found something romantic to pursue. I scoffed at him. Then for 2 weeks he made jokes about I cant do things like 

1. Call him over just to sleep

2. give him my necklace when I was drunk

3. use him as an excuse to not to go out with an ugly guy (ok yea that was “relationshippy”

But i told him i still didn’t want more then what we were doing.  Not cause i didn’t like him but because we were simple. For a change being around this guy didn’t seem forced or stupid and I didn’t have to be fake. I just relaxed. Also I had him all to myself. He was an escape. Id stay the night with him and get away from my fistful of assholes i call friends and roommates. 

After I set my foot down about how i felt. This douche bags shows up on grindr and adam4adam and is talking to other guys and I got jealous.

I thought over and decided I was stupid for not wanting this guy who is really nice and not an asshole. So i did something about it. I proposed a date situation and trying it out. He seemed indifferent about it. I assumed it was cause I said no like a week before and made it clear but I was now making clear I wanted more. I told him that I wanted to talk in person about it all. Then we had really hot drunk sex and he went away for 3 weeks and started acting really weird and distant. And is driving me nuts. 

I was reversed psychology-ed and some how i went from calm cool and put together to I want more and getting my feelings crushed by this punk.  he’s been back from break for a week and has done nothing to fix and continues to act like a dick and weird. We’ve talked about it via text and he feed some excuse about not knowing what we wanted and he didnt think that we were ready to date. I told him that I wanted to get to know each other first and see where it goes. He didn’t respond. He feeds thes retarded excuses about phone dying and other crap.

The normal, nice, socially acclimated part of me wants to see where it goes

the cold distant part of me thats made it over 1.5 years without getting my heart ripped out says fuck the bastard. cut your losses.

mostly im pissed cause Ive become a 15 year old girl obsessing over why this douche of a guy doesn’t want me back. 

-___-

gay

yes please